Authenticity

Born from movies & tv shows, peers, and parents

I've moved through the world under the delusion that I was presenting my authentic self

Trauma pulled me down off that high horse

Now I'm drowning in my own self-hatred

It was always unending love and respect for others but not for me

But coming of age stories are cringey when the main character is 35

My daughters

I hope when my daughters grow up their voices drown mine out as they shout from the rooftops

I hope they grow up to be furious and loud

I want their voices to carry across the expanse and overtake the hum of indifference

Drown out the evil that wishes to pack them in boxes, pluck out their eyes and tear them limb from limb

For they are my daughters

Consistency

Sometimes consistency doesn't work. We forget that the routines we build are arbitrary and abstract. I've spent months on end working out every morning, engaging in hobbies, putting away the laundry.

We present to ourselves the idea that creating these routines builds security and for a time that may be true but everything ends, especially our routines. We take a new job. Get a pet. Move house. Or sometimes there are more dramatic shifts. Sickness overtakes your life.

I have a ting of pain and sadness when I see people, predominantly women, posting about their regular workout routines. All I can think about is how that routine will eventually change, be interrupted by life, and I wonder if the person smiling at their accomplishments will be okay when they can no longer maintain the external force they deem their saving grace. What happens if the woman in the bikini smiling in her 'after' shot gets sick and can no longer maintain her 'healthy' habits? Will she be okay if her pants get too tight? How will she feel in a body broken?